Christmas swashbuckler

Today, I am a hero. Both the regular kind of hero, and the Christmas kind.

Actually, hero might be too strong of a word. Is there a word to refer to someone who fights against their normal morning slothfulness to do errands before going to work? Who finally returns DVDs to Big Lots for a refund after they’ve been sitting on the passenger’s seat for a month? Who pretends they don’t have social anxiety and asks people to be job references? I’ve overcome a lot of my lesser tendencies today.

But, I’m also a Christmas hero. Between this paragraph and the last one, I looked up “hero” on thesaurus.com. After all the synonyms meaning “hefty sandwich” was a list of awesome words. So when I say I’m a Christmas Swashbuckler, you know that this is not so much a reality-based or funny story-based title as it is a thesaurus-related whim.

Anyway.

My awesome new apartment has very few downsides, but one of them is that we aren’t allowed to have a real tree. This is due to the landlord’s insurance policy and the fact that dropped needles are a fire hazard. My mom got us a nice little spruce shrub in a pot, but adorable as it is, I’m having a lot of Christmas Jealousy over other people’s trees.DSC02239 My partner and I agreed that it isn’t worth it to buy a fake tree if it’s going to look like it’s made of pipe cleaners and sadness, so we agreed to go clearance fake tree shopping on December 26th after I get out of work and spend the evening decorating our new tree.

Today’s specific timeline of errands and car repairs made me decide to order Chinese food for lunch and dinner. Since I was six minutes away from the restaurant and the food would take fifteen, I pulled into a store that I hoped would have maple sugar candy (another errand, this one Grandma-given), even though I kind of knew it was actually a thrift store now.

The thrift store used to a large gift store, the kind of place that sold maple sugar candy, Yankee candles, and country primitives. Despite my lack of interest in most of their stock, I always liked going there around Christmas because it had that craft store cinnamon smell and was always decorated full-on for Christmas, like it was Santa’s workshop. Basically, depending on mood, it would either warm my heart with Christmas magic, or send me into a crushing depression.

The gift store was now a Christmas Thrift Store, at least for now, and as soon as I walked in, I saw a small grove of artificial firs. One of them was short and full, just like the real trees we always bought, and it had the same kind of realistic branches that I saw on a $400 tree just yesterday. “I am not lucky enough for this tree to be for sale,” I said to myself. “It’s probably a decoration.”

But I was lucky enough, because Christmas Magic.

As it turned out, the timing was even better than I realized. After I pulled up my car to get the tree in, I heard the woman at the store talking to someone on her phone. “Well, we had one you would have liked, but someone’s picking it up now. One is ugly. Yeah, like the Charlie Brown tree. And the other has fake snow on it. It gets everywhere.”

If the morning chain of events had been a couple minutes later, the store could very well have reserved the little tree for the person on the phone.

Instead, I now have a tree in the back of my car. Here is a Christmas tip from me to you: if you have a compact car (say, a 2001 Chevy Prizm) get a 5’ Christmas tree. It will fit in your backseat, even though your eyesight will tell you that this cannot happen.

Later, when my partner is asleep, I will sneak the fortuitous tree into our living room and decorate with the sneakiness of an elf and the daring of a swashbuckler.

Stealth, strategy, and sustenance: sneaking food into the movies

If there’s one thing I love more than sneakiness, it’s food. If there’s one thing I love more than food, it’s sneakiness. I had a hard time deciding which order food and sneakiness needed to be in for that last sentence.

Recently, a friend on facebook asked:

“What’s the best way to sneak a quarter of a pie into a movie theater? Y’know, hypothetically. Thinking hoodie pocket with a bag.”

My response was brief, but that’s only because it would have looked weird to write an enormous comment on this topic.

No, not topic.  Lifestyle.

Here are my strategies for sneaking food and beverage into places where I’m not supposed to have food and beverage.

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How many avocados can a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde sneak into a movie theater?

Bags and pockets

This is one area where women have an advantage. A lot of women have a “movie purse,” usually something big, blocky, and obvious. I’ve yet to see a movie theater check one of these bags, but why draw attention? Wedge or tear-drop shaped bags appear smaller than they are. My movie purse is a skull-patterned red sack with a top that tapers into a shoulder strap. I’d say it’s a chic shape for a bag, but honestly, I don’t have a damn clue.

One day in second grade, my friend Tom snuck tater tots into his pockets and brought them back to class. All the kids whispered about the tater tots with some combination of disgust, awe, and jealousy. Suffice it to say that I broadened my definition of pocket food that day.

Binders

Carrying around a fuck ton of office supplies nearly every where I go has taught me the utility of binders for hiding things. A large-spined binder would work well for smuggling bagged pie, and trust me, no one is going to be going through your binder to see if you’re hiding something. To most people, binder=boring.  They will assume you’re a film student, or writing a review, or someone so boring and so busy that they bring office work to the movies.

Zip-lock bags

Accessiblity is key. Once you get the food in, how will you eat it? If you’re in a darkened movie theater, you can basically go to town on a whole Thanksgiving dinner, and no one will care unless your gravy-slurping ways drown out the intensely whispered dialogue.*  With a zip-lock bag, you can eat food of any consistency, held at any angle.

And, no, I’ve never brought an entire Thanksgiving dinner to the movies.

What?

Was that a challenge?

Moxie

Not the cola.  You should only sneak that in somewhere if you enjoy the taste of earwax and death.  You can often go in boldly, with food or beverage in plain sight. Act casual. Show no sign you’re doing anything wrong. Don’t look around to see if anyone is looking at you. Most people aren’t paying attention and don’t give a shit. This is how I “snuck” coffee past my high school band teacher every single day without getting caught while my younger brother had his mug confiscated. I walked casually, and let the flow of students screen me from view.

Now, go forth.  To the movies, to the library, to school, to work.  To stores and to restaurants that sell one thing when you want to eat another.


*Does this bug anyone else? When something onscreen is really dramatic and important, the characters whisper. You know, so you can’t actually hear what’s going on in the damn movie. I’ve been watching for years to catch someone doing this in real life, and it never happens.

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Today I had a wonderful morning, and went into the afternoon with high hopes.  And what do high hopes lead to?  Disappointment. I was going to post this as a facebook status, but the stark naked words looked kind of dramatic.  Hence, I have turned my grumpy sentiment of the… Continue reading

Summer activities that are better in the cold

Laments about how short summer is are a common thing at this time of year. Hitting the beginning of August means that this dreadful time of year only lasts for another month. Lucky for us, the actual equinox doesn’t get a damn say in this. Summer ends when the mustard-stained labor day paper goods are thrown in the trash, and we all know it. There also seems to be some sort of summer-guilt brought on by not doing enough summery things. I don’t have the emotion of summer-guilt, but I can understand because that’s how I feel about fall.

No one needs to experience summer-guilt at all. As it turns out, a large number of common summer activities are superior in cold weather.

Running and hiking

Running in the summer, I am one with my environment, in the sense that my environment is a foul terrarium of pervasive humidity, and I am a sticky, sweaty humidity-wraith. No skin, no bones, only sweat and unhappiness.

Running in the winter, I am alive and joyful. Pushing myself through exhilarating cold, muscles pumping, the cold is manageable as long as I don’t stop. Plus, no one thinks you’re a badass if you go running in the summer. You’re a just a runner. But running in zero degree weather? Viking level badass points.

Hiking is the same deal, with one added benefit. In the summer, the trails fill up with people. Winter scares them off, and you can enjoy nature in all its frigid, austere beauty.

Kayaks on a beach

The birth of an armada.

Kayaking

Kayaking is easily one of the top things that makes summer bareable for me. I get the same exhilaration powering through choppy waters that I do running in the snow. Even in the summer. In fall, the waters are calmer. Jet-skiers have given up until next year. Autumn leaves ring the lakes, and reflect off glassy-smooth surfaces. Wood fire smoke fills the air.

Getting married

After physical activity, the worst way to exacerbate the heat is to dress poorly. All formal wear in existence is the epitome of dressing poorly for summer. Most people want their friends and family to be happy for them on their wedding day, not resentful of their life choices because of easily avoided discomfort.

Years ago, I went to a December wedding. The couple played Christmas music at the reception. Cupcakes with mountains of snowy white frosting were topped with candy snowflakes. The bride wore a hooded wedding cape over her dress. How cool is that? And it could never happen in the summer.

Wearing white

It’s not just at weddings. Wearing white, in general, is a lot cooler looking in the winter. This is coming from someone who hates to wear white. Imperious ice queens. The white witch. Princess Leia on Hoth. Actually, all I can think of here are female royals. But no one pulls off white like they do.

Star gazing

Ever notice how much clearer the night sky is in winter? Cold air can’t retain as much moisture, therefore you don’t have to squint up at the stars through a veil of humidity. Perfect clarity.