A holiday to fill the august void

Summery green, humid pond.

August. You can see the humidity.

In my family, the 4th of July is big enough to imbue much of June with a Christmas-like anticipation. There are even a few days post-4th with same lazy quality as December 26th. Then the rest of the summer lasts for five hellish eternities, eternities as tortured as though they were all spent drinking weak, acidic coffee and listening to that noise the baby from Eraserhead makes. The vicious heat of July stretches into August, and from August to infinity, or so it feels to my heat-addled brain. Even as a kid, my hatred of the endless heat outweighed my hatred of school, and I would wish for September to start. It may not be so hot that I can’t sleep, but it’s still hot enough for the middle part of the day to be an unacceptable, activity-preventing haze. And there are no redeeming holidays.

The only official August holiday I can think of is VJ Day—Victory over Japan Day—and Rhode Island is the only state that still celebrates it. I grew up in Rhode Island, and I don’t think too many people there want to give up a Monday off from work, even while acknowledging that VJ day is creepy and outdated. And even in Rhode Island, VJ day doesn’t do very much to improve August.

Then there’s Lughnasadh. Celebrating the start of the harvest season and honoring the Celtic god Lugh, Lughnasadh is one of eight neo-pagan high days. Celebrations usually involve competitive games. In a group where the attendees tend towards bookishness, this can involve things like thumb wrestling and rock, paper, scissors, rather than races and feats of strength. Voice of experience. While it’s a fun holiday, and a great excuse to celebrate seasonal foods, it is ultimately a religious holiday. So I don’t think it’s going to get the widespread adoption that a Big August Holiday needs.

There is a an enormous roster of made-up* holidays out there, and I think one of them must qualify. Some of them are too specific, or dedicated to foods I don’t like. I’m looking for something that can justify a day off of work, a cook-out, and possibly some activities. After doing some reading (mainly here and here), these are my top candidates.

Sister’s Day

I am a sister. Not a nun, just to clarify, but a female with siblings. This is a self-serving choice, but not one that would do anything for me, since I can’t even imagine my brothers showering me with presents and grilled meat on Sister’s Day. Plus, it would probably suffer from the same food-gendering as Mother’s Day. Dads are supposed to get steak, while Mom wants breakfast in bed and quiche? Who thought of that one? What about steak in bed?

Senior Citizens Day

Acknowledging Senior Citizens, giving them a pat on the back and a steak, and congratulating them for having gone through decades of shit is not a bad idea. Better than pretending they don’t exist. This is also a self-serving choice. It will take decades to pay off, if I live that long, but I will gladly contribute to creating hoopla around Senior Citizens Day if it means that, thirty-six years from now, the youth will prostrate themselves before my throne (ok, it’s a recliner. With a heated blanket) and shower me with gifts they picked up an hour ago.

Left-handers Day

Banks will switch their pens on chains to the left side. Even if banks also decide to close for this auspicious day, they will still do it. Activities could include left-handed games. Like, instead of going out to play normal badminton, everyone plays left-handed. And those of us who are left-handed or ambidextrous defeat them easily. It will get old very quickly for the right-handed folk.

National Aviation Day

I saved the best for last. This is already a federal obversance, and this year it’s on Tuesday, August 19th. I’m not sure if it’s always the same day, or if it moves around based on the full moon or day of the week or airline schedules. According to timeanddate.com, here’s what people do on National Aviation Day:

On this day, some schools organize for students to participate in classroom activities that focus on the topic of aviation. Activities include: discussing aviation history, including the efforts of the Wright brothers, Amelia Earhart and other aviation pioneers; and engaging in interactive tasks about airplanes and other means of flight transport, as well as careers associated with the aviation industry. Aviation enthusiasts and students may visit museums about aviation history and technology.  Some people visit the Wright Brothers National Memorial in North Carolina at this time of the year.

That sounds mildly interesting to me, but not if I’m going to do it every year. First, there needs to be a cookout with aviation related activities. Kites, paper planes, and toy rockets can all be brought out to celebrate this day. Maybe a historical storytime for the kids. Of course, there will need to be more movies. Christmas and Halloween have tons of movies. Thanksgiving has a few. Even Independence Day has one. We need to have a movie like It’s a Wonderful life, only about Amelia Earhart, a movie that we can expect to see on TV to every National Aviation Day’s Eve

The point is, National Aviation Day is the most ripe with possibilities for celebration. And even if you don’t do a damn thing besides have a meal with family, if any of that family had to fly in from afar, you’ve participated.


*recently made-up, that is. When someone says something is a made-up holiday, what they really mean is that some person invented it rather recently, instead of a government or religion inventing it quite a long time ago. All holidays are made up, even Christmas, which was designed by a committee including Jesus and Santa.

Pieces of Summer Apparel that We should Burn

As long as it’s not too hot out for fire, that is.

Summer clothing involves a high degree of discomfort. Blame the heat, and blame water sports. Here are some clothing items that I recommend throwing on your next backyard bonfire.

Everything pastel

Science says that lighter colors are supposed to be cooler than darker ones in the heat, but I’ve never noticed an appreciable difference. Maybe this is why pastels are more prevalent in the summer, or maybe it’s some kind of preppy fashion thing that escaped from the country club and hasn’t been picked up by animal control yet. Pastels are watered down versions of real colors. They are the clothing equivalent of coffee with skim milk in it.

Shorts

If they don’t bunch up when walking, then they’re usually too short and involve more pressure to leg-shave. Or (for women’s shorts, anyway) they’re a more practical length but look like I’m supposed to be wearing them to a business meeting or postal route.

Flip flops

Flip flops used to be a mainstay for me. In high school, I would wear them to school with colorful toe socks. It was my thing. Now I can’t stand the way you have to crunch up your toes to keep them in place when walking fast. Forget running in them. And then there’s the irritating slap slap noise.

It should be obvious from this that I also advocate burning high-heeled sandals. I don’t own any, but I bet those ones made of corkboards burn real nice.

Women’s bathing suits

For any activity or event in my life, I wear functional, slightly shabbier than appropriate clothing. For water sports, I wear functional, appropriate…underwear? Um, what? Enough already. Last year I switched to wearing running shorts and bathing suit tanks for all my lake-going needs. Even practical bathing suits feel too much like pin-up wear, and those skimpy bikinis that are impossible to function in (I mean, as some kind of human being that engages in movement and isn’t interested in constant adjusting) can go on the fire first. Small things make the best kindling.

Unisex life jackets

Has anyone ever made a life jacket that takes cup size into account? I’m guessing this could exist, but despite frequent kayaking, life jackets aren’t really an expertise of mine. A quick search doesn’t reveal anything promising. If someone hits my kayak with their jet-ski*, and I’m thrown off and rendered unconscious, I’d rather not drown when my life jacket rides up over my head because I had to take a size larger to fit my boobs.

Plaid dress, froofy goth dress.

Are these sundresses? More importantly, do they contain flame-retardant chemicals?

Sundresses

What makes a dress a sundress versus just some kind of a normal dress? On one end, I’m reasonably certain that some kind of gothy, long-sleeved Elvira type thing is *not* a sundress. On the other end, I think something yellow and billowing with thin straps and actual depictions of the sun would qualify as sundress material. Material—see what I did there? So that leaves every other type of dress in the world as a potential sundress. I might not have much of an idea what a sundress is, but since the items I have previously listed don’t seem like they’d create a conflagration as big as the one I’m imagining, sundresses should also be burned.

Time for s’mores!


 

*Even though nine year-old kids are no longer allowed to drive jet-skis, I still assume that if I’m ever in an accident out on the lake, it will be a jet-ski’s fault. That’s probably not fair, because the most obviously drunk people I’ve ever seen on the lake were in a crappy rowboat with an outboard motor.

Humidfest 2014

In my last post, I mentioned my hatred of hot weather. This inspired me to write a post about all the things I actually do enjoy about summer, like the smell of cut grass, that help to balance all the unthinkably humid aspects of the heat itself.

That didn’t exactly happen. I started to write about cut grass and the wind in the air before a thunderstorm, and ended up on a tangent about all the awful qualities of summer that I hate. But it turned out to be more than a tangent.

It became a brainstorming session. Every Wednesday (because Wednesday is an awful day, the summer of days) from now until August, I am going to write a barely controlled, seething rant post about summer’s sub-par attributes. The posts may even show up on non-Wednesday days, just because there’s so much material here.

Summer trees from depcrepit fire escape.

Summer. Looks pretty, but don’t touch it.

Summer means difficulty sleeping. Summer means clothing I hate. Summer means that trickle of sweat down your back when all you’re doing is standing there thinking about how much you hate the world. Summer means no running or hiking, because you can keep the heat stroke and mosquitos, thank ya very much.

There are so few of us who prefer winter to summer. Every time I meet someone who shares this quality, it’s like sharing a secret winter-club handshake. You might be a Mountain Dew-swilling, monster truck connoisseur*, but as soon as you say, “Why won’t this heat ever end? I can’t wait for fall,” I will know you as a kindred spirit nonetheless.

That conversation doesn’t happen often, however. Small talk, for most people, is something to fill up the awkwardness of elevator rides. For introverts, it’s an unpleasant thing that happens when you’re trying to read. For introverts whose seasonal hatred runs in reverse to that of the rest of the world? Meteorological-based small talk is an angst-filled minefield.

Summer means, when my normal level of irritation with the world in general has been raised exponentially in relation to the relative humidity and number of degrees over 55 Fahrenheit, that the typical weather chat of acquaintances becomes a constant barrage of taunting. Even as I’m wiping moisture off my forehead, chugging water and gatorade, and trying to stay frightened deer-still because movement makes the heat worse, people come up and say, “Isn’t it lovely? I hope you got out today, it is bee-yoo-tee-ful. Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Then every winter, every day, when I’m trying to enjoy the glory and austerity of snow, I hear complaints about the weather from people who decided to dress like it’s any other time of year than the one it actually is.

Enter Humidfest 2014. Here are all the complaints about summer that I hold back during most small talk this time of year.

On Deck: Pieces of Summer Apparel that We Should Burn.

 


 

*You snob. Of course people who enjoy monster trucks can be connoisseurs. They say things like, “Note the sprightly quality to the ear-obliterating sturm and drang of Lightning Warrior Monster as it crushes that line of small cars. Quite uncommon.”